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Review: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

This is not the first zombie film I’ve seen recently set during the civil war period but this is one is definitely a lot more fun. This is mockbuster masters The Asylum cashing in on Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter but they go all out to give us exactly what it says on the tin: Abraham Lincoln knocking the heads off zombies. It’s cheap, badly acted, full of terrible fake beards and moustaches and is so silly I had to keep watching.

When Abe was a kid he lost both his parents in a zombie outbreak so you can put away your history books. Years later and President Lincoln (Bill Oberst Jr.) is in the Whitehouse and his Chief of Staff Edwin Stanton tells him that their plan to capture an important fort in Georgia is not going well. Out of the men sent only one returned, Eckert and he’s being held restrained in a bunker because he’s sick and raving and getting more violent. Abe goes to see the man and recognises the signs of a zombie infection. He tells Stanton to prepare a squad of twelve secret service agents to go the fort and find out what happened. Eckert dies and turns into a yellow-eyed zombie and breaks free with that famous superhuman zombie strength? He attacks and bites the officer that was going to lead the squad of secret service men. Abe leaps into action and grabs a sword and fights off zombie-Eckert before an aide brings him his special zombie-killing flick-scythe and he cuts off its head.

Since the officer was killed (by Abe with a shot through the head) Abe insists on leading the mission to the fort himself because clearly he’s the only one who knows what’s going on. They travel most of the way by train but a few miles from their destination the train stops and they walk the rest of the way. This involves a lot of walking slowly while Abe speechifies but strangely never mentions what he knows they are going to be up against. The twelve secret service agent are dressed in a uniform of long black coat and waist coat with a whit shirt so they all look really obvious. There’s an Irish one, a black one (called Brown), a blonde one, a cowardly one, a gruff scary looking one and a whiny weasel with a moustache called John Wilkinson (Jason Vail) and the other six are more or less anonymous cannon fodder (or zombie food in this case).

They get to the fort and as they break in zombies attack them. Confederate soldiers also shoot at them from the other side of the fort so they have to fight off the zombies while under fire. When one man gets bitten Abe puts a bullet in his head which shocks Wilkinson. Abe also take out a few zombies with his scythe and once he tells the agents to go for head shots they manage to take care of the zombies and get the door closed again. They search the fort and find a handful of Confederate soldiers including one Pat Garrett (Christopher Marrone) and General Stonewall Jackson (Don McGraw). Well he claims to be Jackson but he’s clearly a 16-year-old boy with a fake beard and absolutely no acting ability at all and he plays Jackson as if he’s incredibly dumb or a bit mentally ill. Jackson claims that the zombies are just sick and in need of medical treatment, and many of them are Confederate soldiers. Abe appeals to him to put their differences to deal with the zombie threat but he acts like a pompous ass and refuses.

Abe takes several of the men in to the nearby town to see what the situation is there and to try to use the telegraph to send for help. The zombies are very slow and lethargic and unless they hear a sound they just stand still so they don’t have too much trouble evading them and most of their kills are by Abe with his scythe to avoid noisy gunfire. Brown mentions that they are like zombies his granny told him about but these are different so despite that from then on they call them zombies. The town is almost completely overrun but they find the brothel locked up. Of course they smash their way in and get shot at from the basement. Down there they find three prostitutes holed up with a 12-year-old boy called Theodore Roosevelt (Canon Kuipers). Mary Owens (Baby Norman) is a former girlfriend of Abe’s and one of the other women is her daughter Sophia (Hannah Bryan). Everyone goes back to the fort where Pat Garret defies Jackson and joins them in trying to take on the zombies.

This film is fully aware of how silly it is and for the most part, within its own limitations, it does okay. I felt that the portrayal of General Jackson was taking things a bit too far into just being crap, however Bill Oberst Jr. does pretty good job as Lincoln. Everyone else is okay enough. The CGI looks cheap but it worked. I think this is going to mainly appeal to people who can enjoy the cheesy cheap and cheerful output of The Asylum and fans of zombie films but lovers of historical drama should look elsewhere.

Rating 6/10

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Posted by on August 10, 2012 in Entertainment, Film

 

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