Review: Lesbian Vampire Killers

21 Aug

I didn’t go and see this at the cinema, I didn’t watch it on DVD but when it appeared on TV I decide to have a look. Two things were behind my reluctance to see this film: the title suggested to me a juvenile laddish humour of the lowest kind that giggles at the word lesbian, and James Corden who just doesn’t make me laugh. I have seen him on panel shows where he mainly seems to contribute a sense of a kid butting-in, trying to join in adult conversations. I tried to put that behind me and just appreciate the film on its own terms. Unfortunately this film completely met my expectations and after watching it I felt I had wasted my time. This film is just not funny, creepy or titillating. To complain about the homophobic and misogynistic themes of this film would be to give it too much credit since it’s as relevant a fart in a bath that an imbecile insists on showing you.

In the past just before vampire queen Carmilla is destroyed by a knight Baron Wolfgang MacLaren she puts a curse on the village of Cragwich that all the girls on their 18th birthday will turn into lesbian vampires and the curse will only be broken when the blood of the last descendant of MacLaren will allow Carmilla to return to life.

That last descendant is Jimmy (Matthew Horne) a pathetic sap who is in love with a woman who keeps going back to him when the other men she sleeps with throw her out, only to leave him again when the next man comes along. She leaves him again and Jimmy is told by his best friend Fletch (James Corden) that they need a holiday so Jimmy can forget her. Fletch wants to go abroad where there are lots of drunken women. They don’t have any money for that so Jimmy decides that they are going hiking. He throws a dart into a map to choose their destination and of course that dart lands on Cragwich.

Jimmy and Fletch arrive in Cragwich and Fletch whines that they didn’t go anywhere else because Cragwich is quiet and remote and there’s little chance of drunken women. He changes his mind when four loud young foreign women come out of the bar and get into a camper van and drive off. Now Fletch is eager to check out the bar but Jimmy is not so keen. It turns out the bar is just a typical creepy horror film country pub full of beardy weirdoes who openly stare at Jimmy and Fletch. A foul mouthed Vicar (Paul McGann) and his daughter Rebecca enter the bar and he asks for help standing up to “them” and when gets no takers he leaves in disgust, after giving Jimmy a thorough look. After he gone the barman becomes far too helpful and gives them free drink and tells them about a cottage they can stay in free of charge. When he tells them that they sent the women who just left to the cottage too Fletch rushes them out the door after them.

At the cottage the women get some (Simon Cowell-style) music on and start dancing. Fletch joins them but Jimmy still acts all bored and determined to not have fun (and who can blame him with the sight of Corden jigging around to that horrible music). This gets the attention of Lotte (MyAnna Buring), the leader of their group who likes the quieter types. Lotte tells Jimmy that they are students and are in Cragwich to investigate the Carmilla legend.

The other three women go outside and get attacked and turned into vampires. The vampires attack the cottage and of course they can’t enter unless invited. Then Jimmy’s ex-girlfriend Judi knocks on the door and Jimmy let’s her in while Fletch protests about how stupid that is. And of course once she’s alone with Jimmy it turns out she’s a vampire and Jimmy and Fletch have to kill her. No-one mourns her death not even the man who was so upset about their break-up and even Lotte seems pleased because now she has a chance with Jimmy.

This film plays out pretty predictably with far too much focus on Fletch’s stupid school-boyish antics. This film just tries too hard to be funny and it doesn’t work for me. I think I was supposed to laugh at a dick-shaped sword handle but it was juvenile and their comedic reactions to it were just idiotic. Paul McGann didn’t really try very hard and most of the rest of the acting was bad but it was intended be campy bad which apparently excuses it. The two main characters Jimmy and Fletch are more like eleven-year-olds than adults and that’s just about the level of comedy in this film. If I was forced to say something nice or die I’d say the set design and lighting looked okay.

Rating 3/10

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Posted by on August 21, 2012 in Entertainment, Film


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4 responses to “Review: Lesbian Vampire Killers

  1. Emma

    August 22, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Didn’t think much of it either.

  2. Girl Bar

    August 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Nice review…


  3. Parlor of Horror

    August 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    I’ll have to stay away from this one. I clicked the link ’cause the title caught my attention but as soon as I saw the cover I knew it wasn’t what I expected (oh no, I do judge a book by it’s cover!) Best lesbian vampire film has to be Vampyres, from the 1970’s!


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